The Kate and Cami Show
DID with an Attitude

Public or Private Forums: Which is Healthier?

Trigger warning and all that crap. Littles go away. Those looking for opportunities to get indignant go away. This is my fcking OPINION, got it? Disclaimer

Those of us dealing with dissociation, as a collective group, have DID as well.

We are not united as a whole, but have our own rabid subgroups with infighting that generates more heat than light. That adds to the already unflattering impression of DID. We all struggle against the stereotype that we are florid, etc. All or a majority with DID are fakers, those with DID are dangerous. Etc.

My DID is worse than yours! Multiplicity is not DID and don’t compare us! You are psychotic and under control of false memories! You don’t accept my experience of DID as real! I think you are rejecting me so I don’t think you really have DID! You didn’t put up a trigger warning and I got hurt and you are so rude and sick!

Dammit grow the fck up.

Why the hell are we behaving this way? Why do we slam one another because we don’t agree on something? Why do some expect others to take responsibility for their feelings?

Unless you are physically under a certain age, you are responsible for yourself and your own safety. Step up and take that responsibility. We are not a socialist nation (ehhh) and don’t expect everyone else to shoulder your pain. Don’t touch the burner – it could be hot. If you can’t keep your hand off the burner then get an adult to keep you out of the kitchen. Take some responsibility for yourselves.

When I was 8, my parents made me leave the room so they could watch an R-rated movie on TV. To protect me. (And the irony is, perhaps, that the first R-rated movie I convinced them to let me stay up for was “I Never Promised you a Rose Garden. ” I remember the bare breast. Amazing. And I can’t remember all of 5th grade.)

Why don’t those with DID protect themselves and their young alters the same way?

It is NOT inappropriate to ask your alters to go to their room while you surf the internet! Especially if they know what the internet IS and post on the internet themselves!

Show some good parenting!

Over the last year, I’ve poked around blogs, websites, public and private forums. Most blogs and websites discuss interesting stuff, often based on experiences and research. Share helpful information about DID, therapy, etc. Good stuff. Some crap too. Some have diary entries – mixed bag there as well. The ones I like I have in my GoogleReader and I visit regularly.

I don’t care for forums – not because I think they are good or bad, but because I have no interest in getting caught up in the daily inanity of “what did you do today?” “Let’s talk about our favorite movies.” Hey – no disrespect – some stuff there is great. I would (and did) read for information and DID therapy issues, but for the rest of the fluff, I’d rather spend the time doing things more productive, and save the daily banter for my Flesh-and-Blood friends. I want to remain firmly planted in a reality that accepts me as an incredibly talented woman, not one with a label of DID.

DID is something I have. I am working to make myselves an incredibly strong woman. DID is not my Reason for Being. Get off the forum and live more in real life. (Did you know man died in China after playing computer games for 7 hours straight?)

Forums are a mix. All tend to use trigger warnings of some sort. Good. All promote a safe environment. Good. All allow others to share feelings. Good. I see division among those with DID and the type of forum fosters it.

There’s a real difference between private and public forums, IMHO.

Public forms feel freer. People are more reasoned and accepting. People use terms like IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). People actually DEFER when they are wrong. The pre-apologize if they think their comments might make people upset. I’ve seen moderators step in when a thread might get off track and ask people to resist flaming. There are some great moderators out there who can sense a problem and step in quickly, before there are meltdowns.

News Flash Folks!
Core Rules of Netiquette, with the guidelines on Flaming.

Okay, back up. Let’s stop for a second and think about what Moderate means.

Moderate: “Being within reasonable limits; not excessive or extreme.” [ref]

A moderator, one who moderates is charged with keeping things within those limits – who arbitrates or mediates. [ref]

Seems like they’ve got it right. Keeping thing within limits.

I have never seen a public moderator stoop to showing anger or venting about anyone else unless there is a damn good reason. (Admittedly small sample size of DID-specific forums.) Often, they just remove the offending posts. Usually, they give a warning before banning if the infraction is not severe. PMs are used – “Hey, I removed your post because of….. Please make an effort to avoid this in the future or I will have to remove your membership.”

God…sounds too rational!

Private forums for the most part (IMHO!) feel more restricting. For some, that is great. But many moderators tend to be more overpowering and dictatorial. In their guise of keeping things “safe” they cross the line between establishing safety and exacting retribution. They allow themselves to be triggered and then they lash out at anyone for sometimes incomprehensible reasons.

Or, for reasons they saw coming and didn’t “moderate.”

Again, that term. Moderator. Moderate. I have/had membership in 4 private DID or PTSD forums: only one has a healthy moderator. The rest…well.

They don’t call the position Extremeorators or Flameorators for a reason. But unfortunately that’s what some Moderators actually are. Sigh.

I’ve seen moderators publically (on the forum) give members “a talking to” for making comments that didn’t seem to harmful to me. But maybe they could have been to someone else. Fine. But then Why weren’t PMs used? to mitigate? I saw someone get banned for disagreeing with a particular treatment plan. Sigh. GMAFB.

And me? Sweet little Kate? *I* stand so accused as a psychotic stalker for asking some questions about promised research that purports that those with DID are psychotic. I never got the references, but I did get banned. Heh heh. Remember all the red letter screaming I got? *rolls eyes*

Do moderators have a right to do this? Of course – it’s their forum. They make the rules. Their opinion. They can do what they want within the law. They SHOULD do what they do within the boundaries of common social convention.

Hello! Welcome to my dinner party – come on in! Delightful house, beautiful curtains. Why thank you, care for a drink? Why sure…oh, Smirnoff’s – say, do you have Grey Goose? Get the fck out of my house, and if you step foot outside my door again my dog will eat you! Can you believe that guy? What an asshole to demand Grey Goose. He must be a snob, thinking we aren’t good enough for him. He’s probably an alcoholic anyway. (Yes, we all thought so as well! Good riddance!)


But I digest.

<Perhaps the dog will as well.>

The unhealthiness sometimes continues after the member is banned. When I was banned after the Psychosis Event, the private forum moderator trashed me with additional comments after I was gone. I’ve seen this on other boards like the treatment plan discussion – it was insinuated the banned member refused to accept their guidance because he was too stubborn and confrontational. All for asking for more details on the methods.

These moderators hide behind “keeping the safety of my forum” as a rationale for trashing someone after they ban them.

But Kate, it IS their forum. They are allowed to do this.

Yes they are. But it reveals to everyone what they are. Control seeking manipulative people who need their own little fiefdom to spout their own little realities. Their little private mind-control forums. Slowly pulling in unsuspecting vulnerable people in with promises of safety. (Want to see a puppy?)

Are you saying that all private forums like this?


But there’s a lot of brainwashing going on in the ones that are. Some are overt, but some are subtle. They look okay, they sound okay, but something doesn’t smell right.

I watched one moderator ask probing questions of an obviously vulnerable new member, and then started a thread that looked suspiciously like therapeutic-level advice. That makes me feel uncomfortable all around. Influencing behavior. Keepers posted about their experiences on how little discomforts turn into lawsuits.

And these moderators are talking about safety?

That’s where you have to have your radar up. Because in a public forum, you will be not only moderated by the one who runs the board, but your words and actions are also open for public scrutiny. Checks and balances.

Less chance of inappropriate behavior.

On a public board, random passer-by others can inject correct information or answer questions – I joined a public forum a few weeks just to post a link that directly answered someone’s question. The moderator moderates the comments as appropriate or not – mine could have been rejected. Fine – his choice. At least those board members didn’t have to wait for the moderator to go find the requested information, digest it and regurgitate it in her own biased manner, in order to maintain “safety”. With a dash of personal influence in the stew.

Public boards allow fresh blood to stop by and add new comments.

Private boards restrict flow of information. The brainwashing can go on undetected for years.

Smells funny to me.


2 Responses to “Public or Private Forums: Which is Healthier?”

  1. I am so sorry you have had such negative experiences. I am hoping that the forum I moderate is the one you spoke of positively. Yet I cringe knowing I might be so arrogant to think and hope that.

    I have had my own personal experiences with forums, Some have been good, some have not. There are some good public forums out there. There are also some good private forums out there. There are also some forums that are really exactly as you described.

    I have needed the contacts I have made through the internet because there is not enough out there in the 3-D world for people with DID. There aren’t real life support groups for us. There are extremely limited opportunities for us to meet other people with DID. I know when I was first diagnosed, having others with DID with which I could talk to was priceless.

    I think all people who enter into forums, should do so carefully and slowly. The most common issue people have is that they read too much too fast and share too much too fast. These can be overwhelming and extremely triggering.

    As a moderator/administrator I feel like I have been extremely fortunate. I have a great group that needs very little moderation. I can probably count on one hand the number of moderations that have been necessary. I do NOT present myself as “all knowing” or any better than any of the members at all. I am in the same boat myself. It’s just I was the one who would be willing and able to talk the time to set up the place and watch over the group. I do not consider Hidden Shadows MY forum. It is our forum and many decisions about the forum are openly discussed. I welcome feedback both positive and negative. Basically in my group, the group moderates isslef an the group runs itself because we are all in it together and it is “our” group, not mine.
    Secret Shadows

    • Hi Secret Shadows

      “I have needed the contacts I have made through the internet because there is not enough out there in the 3-D world for people with DID.”

      Amen. (There is debate who should answer your comment here, since this is a “joint” blog.) But let us jointly agree that there is something for everyone, and more that will piss at least some people off.

      But – I/we WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE that any moderator who does not need to “moderate” is one of the “good ones”. Keep it up.

      And be alert. The world needs more lerts.

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